Today when I leave the house I will tuck my depression into the inner breast pocket of my grey blazer. It may seem like a strange thing to tuck away, or to even insist on carrying around with me...but surely you do not think I will actually place it there?....I merely mean that I will carry it with me wherever I go, as I always do, as I watch leaves fall to the ground and swirl across the street making scratching sounds. I allowed myself to indulge a little bit just there by thinking about the leaves...articulating a little bit of a scene...as poorly as I may have it was still something other than what I truly wish to talk about, which is myself of course. How my existence seemingly remains somewhat incommensurate with my surroundings; with the faces and frameworks that I perpetually find myself grounded within, while always hanging on to that bitter taste in my mouth, as if I've just swallowed something that wasn't right for me.
Last night it all made no sense....watching my body move in my memories last night fills my heart with shame and anxiety. What my mind instructs my body to do when I have had a few drinks perplexes me; as if I know precisely what the worst possible thing I could be doing is and therefore must do it. I wish to do ugly things to feel the thrill of not being caught...but what if....just what if i did....get caught....how shocked the world around me would be today....how different this morning wake would be as a guilty man, caught in the act with red on his hands? How filled with torment and embarassment would I be today? Oh, how horrible it would be....
I found myself all alone and sneaking through trees to get a closer look at what was going on inside the house. I was even bold enough to stand right beside the window and peak through to see flickerings froma tv screen and to hear four voices...two male, and two female...none of which interested me....so I got back to my initial place of hiding, under a truck!...would you believe that? I wouldn't either unless I had seen it myself. But surely, there I was, with dirt on my hands squirming on my stomach to get a look into a basement window and still remain hidden....but there was nothing going on in there....no party....no people....nothing at all....'what the hell was I doing down here?'...the thought must've occurred to me a million times, and I seemingly laughed it off each time with a sort of sinister little smirk to myself...fully in awareness of the damage I was doing to myself in some strange form or another. Somewhere there were people laughing and finishing off the night with a round of tokes...or beers....or laughs...or whatever...and here I was, either laying under a truck, or hiding against a tree; a few half hearted efforts to slash the tires of a certain somebody's jeep with my keys only to realize that it's not as easy to stab a tire with your keys as you might think. Seriouly, imagine if I had been caught, what if an alarm had gone off and there I was fleeing the scene after having vandalized the property of someone I had always despised; simply for the reason that they had always despised me. Though I hated him. I had not seen him in almost a year and his life had meant nothing to me unless I remain tied to her; she was the one with the ties to this asshole I had always hated. I had always hated everything people like him stood for. So damn stupid and so damn sure of every word they ever spoke. Precisely the opposite of how I envisioned myself; so damn smart and so damn skeptical of every word I ever spoke. I told myself as I told her (probably, not in my finest hour) that I too could have my mother invest in properties for me to oversee to if I really thought it would mean anything to me. I hated his guts for talking about his, 'properties' as if he had some undeniable stake in this life, some positive claim of importance. I could easily do that too if I wasn't so damn sure that nothing like that would ever mean anything to me.....'but what about money?' you say...ahh to hell with it. You're clearly missing the point....
For, I admit that it all doesn't sit right and that is why I'm still sitting here, in bed, typing these little ramblings in this attempt to find a voice of optimisim in what surely looks bad on me in retrospect...how sick and tired I felt standing there last night with my head throbbing, standing alone just hoping for something loud and constant enough to attract everyone's attention away from potentially landing on me. For what would I say?...I do not feel like myself, or upto the challenge today. But rather, quite sick and tired. I'd rather avoid the accusations of being a hypocondriac upon expressing that I've been under the weather for some time....I'd rather just sneak out the back door when noone is looking; and that is precisely what I did. For I could no longer take the feeling that everyone who spoke to was a part of some collective mass that looked upon me either with confusion or sympathy. Surely, all of this was in my head but I could bare it no longer and simply had to leave....none of it was making any sense to me, and I hated all of it. I pin point the core of my soreness to lie at the center of my brain...such sickness extends outward from there-what an ugly human being that sickness can sometimes make me...and I laugh wickedly and embrace the face that I can't even bring myself to look at in the mirror at the bar....who, or where I am in someone, somewhere far away from the surface; and all the kisses on the cheek and shots from the bar mock me, for they fail to sink in to me....I am left wobbling down the streets....to a car.
What's this, keys in my pocket?....might as well go for a spin. Yes, that's it, get behind the wheel though you know you're stone drunk. Drive around like a maniac even! that's it...good going....recall driving around on the grass at her apartment last night? along the walkway?....what a mad man you were and all by yourself?! what we're you thinking...you almost got stuck in the mud; what would've happened then? Ah the embarassment, the shame you narrowly avoided....and don't forget the rest of it all. Carry that ugliness around with you today, allow it to fuel you into something positive, even if that positive thing is only really an expression of everything negative about yourself.